


Blue Moon 3, the Truth Hurts

by Remlundskan



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-01
Updated: 2013-02-01
Packaged: 2017-11-27 19:28:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/665599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Remlundskan/pseuds/Remlundskan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lister and Rimmer are finally together! But everything is not moonlight and roses yet! There is still the matter of Kryten!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blue Moon 3, the Truth Hurts

”You’re amazin’, Kris! Really smeggin’ amazin’!” Lister said as they sat around the table, everyone but Cat, who was hiding out in the cockpit and refused to speak to anyone, which in a way was both a relief and a curse, and Kryten who was upstairs, still missing a head. Lister had Rimmer’s hand in a steady grip. No way was he letting go this time. Never! Who knew what would happen if he did! He might wake up and find himself in bed with Petersen… Or worse, his GELF-wife! No, he was never letting Rimmer out of his sight, ever again.

Kristine looked at their joined hands and this time, Dave Lister got the biggest, brightest pinball-smile in the history of the world.

“That’s because I’m not exactly… surprised. I think I already knew, actually!”

She knew? How could she know? Even he didn’t know!

“You knew? How could you know? Even I didn’t know!”

“Well, body-language, for one! I’m not stupid, Dave, I saw the way you reacted when you thought Rimmer had been killed, that he was gone for good. You were devastated and it broke my heart! I asked Ace to go and talk to you, figured you might like to see a friendly face. Plus, I knew that Dave... MY Dave... had something of a fling with his Rimmer... Before the accident! And then, when he came down for breakfast this morning, looking like someone spent the night shagging his brains out… I started putting two and two together. And I was just about to ask if you were still asleep, when we heard you scream. So… Yeah, not really surprised! And Rimmer!”

“Ma’am?”

“Hurt him, and I will personally send your ass right out into space, and set explosives all around the Wildfire. Is that clear?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“Make him happy, Rimmer, that’s an order!”

“Yes, ma’am!” Space hero or no, doing what his superiors told him to, had been pounded into his brain since he was two years old. It was as natural to him as breathing had been when he was still alive. He even gave her a Rimmer-salute, with only made her roll her eyes at him.

“You’re amazing, Kris!” Lister said again, which earned him another bright smile. And then, as if on an afterthought, he turned to Rimmer. “And you! I gotta hand it to you, Rimmer, you’re dealin’ with this whole… outing-business a whole lot better than I thought you would!”

Rimmer shrugged. Back now in his Ace-costume, it felt almost weird to see that he was blushing again. Lister realized that the man sitting next to him was incredibly sexy when he blushed and made a mental note to ask Rimmer if he could do that more often.

“Well, I… might’ve had a little help in that particular… department!”

An instant stab of irrational jealousy flared in Lister’s heart for about four seconds.

“Help?” He asked, his voice a little on edge. Rimmer apparently noticed and gave him a gentle smile.

“I met Spanners, actually!” He looked up, and saw Kris looking confused. “That’s the original Ace’s Lister. He called him Spanners. Anyway, I… had to be the one to tell him that Ace was dead and that I was just his successor. I had to stand there and watch as his heart broke. Apparently, they had a… thing going on, for years, those two, and… Out of nowhere, I started thinking about *my* Lister. How he would react if someone came and told him that *I* had been killed and replaced. And I realized that… we had some unfinished business to discuss. So… I went on a little road-trip!”

He took a deep breath and when he looked back at Lister, his eyes were so gentle and full of love that Kristine for a few moments wondered if they had forgotten she was even in the room with them.

“I went to see the boys, Listy! They send their love!”

Lister looked confused, for about a second and a half, and then he gasped, his eyes filling with tears.

“Smeg!”

“What boys?”

“You saw… You saw Jim and Bexley?”

Rimmer nodded, apparently happy with the reaction he got.

“You betcha! And they wanted you to have…”

He gently disentangled himself from Lister’s iron-grip and took out some photographs from his pocket that he gave to a trembling Lister.

“Smeg!” It was all Lister could think of to say as he looked at the first picture of the young man and woman, sitting on a sofa, with the two little boys on the young man’s lap. There was no way in any world that Lister would not recognise the young man. He knew those eyes! It was his son!

“That’s Jim and his wife, Lenore! And that’s their twin sons… David and Arnold!”

Lister gasped and stared at the picture with tears running down his face. Rimmer took it and put it on the table.

“And this”, he said, indicating the second picture, “is Bexley and his… well, partner! Bexley still plays the guitar. They even had a band, him and Chris… The Dwarfers!”

Lister took a deep, shuddering breath, gently touching Bexley’s face with the tip of his finger.

“My boys… Why is Bexley so fat?”

“Well, he was pregnant at the time! I helped deliver their daughter.”

He took out the third picture.

“That’s her”, he said, showing Lister a picture of a little girl with tiny dark curls. “Beautiful little thing, isn’t she? They named her Catharine… and they call her Cat! Imagine that!”

Lister looked at the three pictures and chose to ignore the tears that were now flowing. His beautiful boys! His babies had babies of their own…

“Smeg! I’m a grandpa!”

“They miss you like crazy, Listy! They want you to come visit! Well, all of us!”

Lister nodded, silently. He wasn’t really paying attention to what Rimmer was saying at the moment. He was too busy staring at his children and their families.

“You know, they saw, right away, that it was me! Have you any idea how hard it is to act all stoic and heroic when you have two young men, jumping up and down, waving their arms, screaming ‘Uncle Rimmer! Uncle Rimmer, it’s us!’ I actually stayed in their dimension for a while, talked to the boys... It was actually Jim that told me to get my arse back here and… What did he call it?... Oh, yeah, to sweep you off your feet. I honestly never even considered the possibility that I would be the one who was swept away.”

“My boys…” Lister whispered hoarsely. “They are so handsome, don’t you think?”

“They are your boys, Listy, I’m just glad they got all their looks from Deb! She sends her regards as well, by the way”

Lister snorted.

“Yeah, I bet she does!”

Kristine cleared her throat to get their attention.

“So”, she said, when they finally looked back at her, “who are Jim and Bexley?”

Lister seemed incapable of speech, so Rimmer answered that one for him.

“His sons! Twins! Wonderful boys! Lister gave birth back at the Dwarf and they…”

“Wait, what?! HE gave birth to them?”

“Yeah! It was a long time ago, in another dimension. Lister met his female counterpart, they got sloshed and Listy managed to get himself up the duff. Luckily for him, I had every…”

“Wait a minute! Dave gave birth to babies?”

“Yeah!" Rimmer nodded, and then, as if realizing that she didn't believe a word he was saying: "It was in a different dimension, everything was the opposite, the women were in charge, the first man on the moon was a woman, the men got pregnant and gave birth, not the women. So, when we came back to our universe, Lister was with child. But since the boys were conceived in another universe, with different physical laws, they suffered from highly accelerated growth rates.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning that three days after they were born, they were eighteen years old. We sent them back to the other universe to live with Deb, to save their lives, but… Boy, we missed them!”

Lister wasn’t paying attention at all any more. He was staring at his boys. His grandsons… Smeg, that made him feel old… and Catharine… so adorable, it broke his heart. His babies had babies of their own. He remembered, vividly, that first day, when they were just little boys, how they would smile at him, stretching out his arms and asking for a hug and a kiss. He remembered the next day, and all the pranks they pulled, how they drove Cat insane when they messed up his entire wardrobe, how Rimmer would chase them up and down the corridors, howling with laughter, how they would stop, turn and run right through him, squealing with joy, shouting ‘You’ll never catch us, uncle Rimmer!’… And he remembered the look of complete and utter despair on Rimmer’s face as he heard that. Smeg, Rimmer had loved those boys too, they all had… and he couldn’t touch them. He had still been softlight when the boys left to live with Deb.

Hopefully, he had made up for that now, spending some quality-time with both Jim and Bexley and their families. Smeg, he missed them so much! He looked at Rimmer and, as the hologram met his gaze, understood right away that they were thinking about the same thing.

“You know”, Rimmer said, obviously trying to keep his emotions in check, “the first day I was there, they… wouldn’t let go of me! They just… wrapped themselves around my neck… both of them… and refused to let go!”

Lister nodded, understanding perfectly.

“Good for you, man!” he said, which earned him a small, smile, so full of emotion that Lister’s rapidly beating heart almost collapsed.

Kristine had to, once again, clear her throat, when it became obvious to her that the two men were lost in a world where no-one else were allowed.

“I hate to be the party-pooper here, but… Don’t you think it’s about time we fixed Kryten’s head?”

“I don’t know”, Rimmer said, a hint of his old self shining through, “I kinda like him like this!”

“Rimmer, be nice, man, this is Kryten we’re talking about!”

“I know, the vacuum-cleaner with a hard-on for ‘Mister Lister, sir’, who made it abundantly clear what he thought of us being together when his head blew into smithereens! Personally, I think we can keep him like this!”

“Rimmer, that’s enough, alright? Go, try to smooth-talk Cat into coming here, I’ll go fix Kryten!”

Rimmer pouted, sulking, crossing his arms over his chest in a defiant move.

“And… try to be nice to him, can you do that? Eh? For me?”

“That’s low, Listy, that’s really low, even coming from you!”

“You wha’?”

“Look, just because I love you, just because we’re sleeping together, that doesn’t mean that you can just tell me what to do and expect me to... I am still your superior officer, miladdo, and... What is it now?”

Lister was staring at him, not sure if he was still dreaming or not.

“You… You said you love me!”

“Yes?”

“You love me?”

“Well, of course I love you, you gimboid, I thought that much was obvious last night when I actually *said* that!”

“Rimmer… I said I loved you, you never said it back!”

“Sure I did!”

“No, you didn’t!”

“Guys, really!”

“Yes, I did!”

“No, Rimmer, you didn’t!”

“Did!”

“Didn’t!

“Did!”

“Did not!”

“Gyus! Seriously, who cares? You still love each other, right? And that’s what’s important! Who cares who said it first?”

It was painfully obvious to both Lister and Rimmer, that Kristine Kochanski, beautiful though she might be, had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. Sure, there was no way she possibly *could* know, because she hadn’t been there. But, in all honesty… You’d had to be there! Everything they’d said and done during the years before Rimmer left… Of course it smegging mattered! It was important, stuff like that, who said it first, who loved who first, that kind of thing. Because when it came down to it, they were still Dave Lister and Arnold Rimmer. And those two never agreed on anything!

“You know, technically, I told you I loved you years ago! You just assumed it was all a lie!”

“Well, the fact that you actually said so was a kinda big clue, don’t you think?”

“Guys…”

“I didn’t *know* back then, did I? Sure, I thought you were hot and I would’ve shagged you in an instant, but you were a total smeghead, Rimmer, how was I supposed to know that I was also in love with you? I’m not that bright, you know!”

“Well, I’m not gonna argue with that one! You always were clueless, Listy, otherwise you would have realized that I loved you, long before you loved me! Why on Io did you think it was so hard for me to hear you say that?”

“Guys!”

“Rimmer, it’s not a bleedin’ competition! I love you, and you love me, let’s just agree on that, alright? And… do try to be nice to Kryten! This is gonna be really hard for him! You’re still Ace, you know, you could charm the pants of a nun with a heart of stone if you wanted to.”

“Was I talking in my sleep again?”

“Guys!”

“And stop with the pouting! You keep that up and you’ll be sleeping alone for the rest of this trip!”

Rimmer guffawed loudly.

“As if you could resist me!”

“Rimmer!”

“Fine! But we’re not done talking about this, laddie!”

“Yes, we are!” Lister said as he started walking up the stairs.

“Smeghead!” he heard Rimmer mutter down below, and as soon as he was out of sight, he leaned against the wall, a big smile on his face. This was almost too much for him to handle. Was he actually allowed to be happy, for once? Was this actually real?

“You’re loving this, aren’t you, Rimmer?” he suddenly heard Kochanski and for about two seconds, he wondered if he should maybe feel bad that he was eavesdropping. And then he heard Rimmer’s reply:

“I love him!”

“Good! Make him happy, Rimmer, no-one deserves it more than him! You both do!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

Lister felt his heart pounding in his chest. It was unreal, like he was still in a dream… Rimmer loved him! How was it possible that Rimmer actually loved him?! What amazing thing did he invent in a previous life, to be rewarded in this one? And, to be perfectly honest, it kinda scared him a little! What he felt for Arn was so huge, it was like nothing he had ever experienced before. And he really, really needed a friend to talk to about this. Only problem was, that friend didn’t have a head.

Well, Lister was going to fix that! Right now! And then, him and good old Kryters was going to have a nice long chat.

* * *

Lister took a deep breath as he attached Spare Head 2 onto Kryten’s shoulders, hoping and praying that this wasn’t a big mistake. It was only temporary, of course, so that he had someone to talk to while fixing Kryten’s Head head. He needed Kryten around, it was as simple as that. Kryten was a friend, a pal and he could really use one of those right now.

He took a step back and waited as the mechanoid’s eyes slowly opened and looked around, astounded.

“What’s going on? I’m Head head! Sir, what happened?”

“Alright, settle down, this is just temporary! I need you to be calm right now, ok? Kryten’s head exploded!”

“Good heavens! Why?”

Oh, dear! Here we go!

“Well… He saw something and…”

“Oh, my! What did he see?”

He really should have taken Spare Head 3. Spare Head 2 asked too many questions! Lister took a deep breath.

“He saw me… kinda… kissing someone… that he didn’t like… very much…”

“Who? Ms Kochanski?”

“Well, no…”

A look of confusion. Lister sighed.

“Rimmer!”

“What about him?”

“It was Rimmer!”

“What was?”

Oh, smeg it all!

“Smeg! I was kissing Rimmer, alright?”

Silence! Then, cautiously:

“Why?”

“Because…” Another deep breath. “Because I love him! And he loves me! And… we’re lovers!”

Six minutes later, Lister finished cleaning up after the second exploding head. They were wasting valuable spare heads this way and Lister always did prefer the original Kryten. It was easier to just fix Kryten’s head and be done with it. Maybe add a few adjustments along the way. He didn’t want Kryten exploding again, but he didn’t want to have to lie about what had happened. So he… added some stuff, and removed other stuff, to make Kryten a little more… congenial towards Rimmer.

The thought of Rimmer made him stop and suddenly, a huge grin appeared on his lips, without him even realizing it. Who would’ve thought… Him and Rimmer… He allowed himself to think back to every little hint he could find during the years they spent together on the Dwarf, and then in Starbug, looking for the Dwarf. Now, that he was actually giving himself time to think about, he could see, clear as day, the way Rimmer would look at him sometimes. The look of wonder in his eyes on the psi-moon, as they all lied to him and said that they loved him. The look of devastation as he found out they weren’t telling the truth… And he had been staring at Lister, like he was hoping, begging for a small sign… He remembered when Rimmer was made hardlight. The very first thing he had done, was to touch himself… then Lister. And Lister, the first thing he had done, after finding out… was to touch Rimmer. Smeg, all those years wasted! He thought about last night and he could hear Rimmer urging him on, begging him, moving against him, moaning his name… 

Smeg! He chuckled and adjusted himself. That smegging git Rimmer was right for once! There was no way he could resist that man! Not now! Not when he knew how it felt to be buried inside Rimmer’s tight arse, taking him, the feeling of being home, at last. It would be stupid, monumentally so, to jerk off, with his lover just a few floors away. But it was tempting. For the first time ever, David Lister finally had everything he could ever want in life. And it was all thanks to Arnold smegging Rimmer. The object of his affection, his dreams, his fantasies… Although now, he didn’t need the fantasies, he didn’t need the dreams… He had the real thing! He had Rimmer! And maybe, if he was lucky, Rimmer would have him… just like he promised that one time… maybe even tonight…

He had to force his mind to other less arousing things and focused on fixing Kryten. He would never have been able to live with himself, if he had actually jerked off with Kryten’s head not three feet away.

Hoping against all hope that this wasn’t the biggest mistake ever, he finished the job, made the final adjustments, and then, half an hour later, took a step back, to admire his work… and waited!

Kryten opened his eyes, made a few weird noises to check if his vocal-chords were in working order, looked over at Lister and then quickly shut his eyes again, his hands covering his ears.

“Oh, sir, thank goodness! What a horrible, horrible dream!”

Not the best opening line ever, and inwardly, Lister cringed at the sound, but it would have to do for now. He’d take what he could get. So, he gently placed a hand on Kryten’s shoulder, trying to give him his best, most sympathetic look ever.

“Kryten, man… Look at me! Come on, open up!”

Slowly, Kryten opened his eyes again and Lister tried to smile at him.

“There we go! How do you feel? How’s the head?”

“Why, it’s fine, sir, why would… Oh, no!” Lister could tell, the precise moment when Kryten realized that his worst nightmare had actually happened. This was *not* going well!

“Kryten, relax, man, alright? Deep breaths, like we talked about, come on…”

“It wasn’t a dream, was it?” Kryten wailed.

“Erm… No!”

“Aaahhh!” Kryten shrieked, loud enough to hurt Lister’s eardrums.

“Kryten, please, listen to me… Rimmer and I…”

“No! No, no, no…”

“Kryten! I need you to focus here, man, cause I’m going through something big here, life-altering big, and I need you to back me up. You know, like you always do. Please? I need you with me on this one, man! Nobody knows me like you do!”

Which was a big, fat lie, since Rimmer knew him in ways that no-one ever had, but he wasn’t about to say that to Kryten. He had a feeling that the mechanoid knew, anyway. If he looked closely, he could actually see smoke starting to come out.

“Just listen, ok? That’s all! If you feel like yelling or shrieking or banging your head against a wall afterwards, fine, but just… Hear me out first, alright? This is really, really important to me. Please? For me?”

Begging always worked with Kryten. His primary objective was to clean, to serve, but his love for Lister ran over that primary objective like a heat-seeking missile. Mr Lister had taught him everything he knew. He would give his life for Mr. Lister! And for a split-second, Lister hated that he had to pull on those strings, just to get Kryten’s attention, but there was nothing else he *could* do. He was out of options and Kryten needed to know the score.

“Of course, sir! Anything I can do!”

Lister heaved a great big sigh. Step one – check! Now came the hard part, telling Kryten about him and Rimmer and the fact that they were an honest-to-smeg couple now.

“Thanks, man! I really need to talk to someone. I’ve never actually… done… anything like this before and… Look, here’s the thing; I know how you feel about Rimmer, and I don’t blame you, I really don’t! Hell, I used to feel that way about him too… still do, in a way… I mean, the guy’s a complete and total smeghead… But you know, he kinda… grows on you, after a while and then, you start looking at him, like… like really looking at him, you know, and it’s only natural that… you suddenly realize just how much… he means to you and… Look, I know you tried, Kryten! I know that you thought the Rimmer Experience would help me, but the thing is…”

“Sir… Please! You can’t… You don’t…” His voice turned shrill and whiny, a clear sign that he was upset. “I can’t even say it! Oh, sir, how could you?”

“Hey, it’s not like I planned it! Honest, I didn’t! It’s just that… I love him! So, there it is! I love Rimmer! Now, I’m sorry, if that bothers you, but it’s the truth! I’m not saying I’ve always loved him, but I do now! And he loves me! However screwed-up this whole thing is… We do love each other and that’s something that you’re gonna have to… Oh, no! Don’t you dare!” He suddenly shouted as Kryten took the first tool he could get his hands on, which happened to be a screwdriver, and started shoving it into his eyes, obviously to try and get rid of the mental images in his head. Lister took it from him and shook it in front of his face, trying to get through.

“Enough! Alright?! That! Is! Enough! Kryten, fer smegs sake! This is it! Me and Rimmer! It’s solid! Right? And it’s not going away, so you’re gonna have to learn how to deal, ok? I love Rimmer! And he loves me! Do you even realize how massive this is? And… It’s not like you really hate the idea!”

“Sir!?!”

“Oh, give me a break, Kryten, if Ace Rimmer… the original Ace Rimmer, the one and only space hero Ace Rimmer came in here, declared his love for me, and asked me to run away with him, you would back my bags before I even had enough breath in me to say ‘Yes’, and you know it! There is nothing in the universe that you wouldn’t do for him.”

“But, but, but… This is different, this isn’t…”

“Yes, it is! That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you! Rimmer IS Ace! He might not be the original, he’s not even the two million and sixty-third, but he IS Ace Rimmer! You were there, Kryten, when he left! You waved goodbye to him! That was our Rimmer, Kryten! MY Rimmer! Leaving us, his friends, to continue the legacy and be the space hero that this world so desperately needs. And now, he’s back! He’s here, with us! He’s with me! Back, for good! And the funny thing is, that the only thing that’s standing in our way, the only thing stopping *me* from being really, truly happy for the first time in my life… is you!”

He might as well have been talking to a brick-wall. It was like trying to reason with a child. Finally, Lister’d had enough and started pacing the room, waiting for some kind of response from his friend. But when Kryten finally spoke, he said the last thing Lister had ever expected to hear.

“He promised that he wouldn’t return!”

“Eh?”

“He promised!”

“Who did?” And then, suddenly, he felt ice cold shivers down his spine. “Kryten… What did Rimmer say to you yesterday?”

“Huh? Erm, well… Nothing, sir, nothing of any importance!”

“Kryten, I know when you’re lying, remember?” He pointed to Kryten’s twitching leg. Kryten looked absolutely miserable.

“Oh, sir, I cannot… I simply can not tell you… He… He made me promise not to say anything…”

“Who did?”

“Mr Rimmer, sir!”

“When?”

“Sir, please, don’t make me say it!”

“When, Kryten?!”

“The last time he was here, he was…I was...” It wasn’t more than a mumble, but Lister heard every word and the ice cold shivers spread throughout his entire body. No longer caring about Kryten’s twitching leg, he took a few steps closer to the mechanoid, noting how he kept his eyes on the floor, as if afraid to look up.

“When was that?”

Kryten kept on looking down.

“About three months ago, sir!” he whispered.

Lister went cold. He what!? That didn’t make any sense!

“Three months ago? That doesn’t make any sense, I don’t remember him being…”

“Don't be daft... she couldn't hold a candle to you, man.”

And then, he knew! Just like that, he knew exactly what had happened, why his dreams had such vivid details, why he always had a feeling that there was something missing, something that he was supposed to remember…

“I want you, Listy! I've always wanted you! Always!”

“Smeg!” In his head, a name from the past screamed for his attention… Lise Yates! Lise smegging Yates! 

“What did you do, Kryten?!”

“Oh, sir, it was for your own good! He told me he was leaving; he said he didn’t know if he was ever coming back… I couldn’t let you go through that, sir, so I…”

“You wiped my memory?!”

“Sir, I…”

“You WIPED my SMEGGIN’ MEMORY?!”

“I didn’t want you to have to suffer the heartache of…”

“Wait a minute! Rimmer! He was here three months ago?”

“You’re really staying?”

“I promised, didn’t I? Of course, I will have to leave for a little while, to find a new Ace, but then, after that’s done and taken care of... I’ll come back here... to be with you... like this... for as long as you want me to... For the rest of Eternity, if that’s what you want.”

Bloody smegging hell! It wasn’t a dream! It actually happened!

“Well, sir, I… I couldn’t risk that he actually…”

“You wiped his memory too, didn’t you?”

“Sir, it wasn’t right! What he did to you, it wasn’t right! I just couldn’t stand by and watch him… corrupt you like that!”

Lister almost did a double-take when he heard that.

“Corrupt me?!”

“He forced himself on you, sir, he drugged you. I should have known, of course, but… I swear to you, had I known, I never would have allowed him onboard in the first place and… Oh, sir, I know that you never would have reciprocated his… advances if you were clearheaded!”

“Oh, you do, do you, Kryten? Eh? Old buddy, old pal? So, this is all… What? Temporal insanity?!”

“Sir, you weren’t yourself! And he took advantage of that!”

“Wait a minute! Are you seriously standing there, saying that Arnold Rimmer… raped me?”

“I’m sorry, sir, but it’s the only logical explanation!”

Lister was so furious that he didn’t even know what to say at first. It was logical to think that Rimmer… Arnold Rimmer, could do something like that? Fine, Rimmer might be a lot of things, most of them not very flattering, but a rapist?! Well, what the bleeding smeg should someone call a memory-wipe without consent? Lister started pacing. He was so angry he couldn’t stay still.

“Logical? LOGICAL?! You oversized pen, if anyone here is a smeggin’ rapist, it’s YOU!”

“Sir…”

Lister stopped, mere inches away from Kryten, staring him down.

“Alright, let’s hear it! What did Rimmer say to you yesterday?”

“Oh, sir, I couldn’t…”

“TELL ME!”

“I told him a lie!” a voice said behind Lister. The door shut behind Rimmer and he walked up to Lister, not taking his eyes of the android. “I said that I knew what he had done and simply asked if he would like to spend the rest of eternity as a can opener.”

Lister looked at Kryten, still fuming. A can opener? That smegging gimboid was lucky if he got out of this in one piece!

“I didn’t know, of course, but Krytie here got so nervous that he told me everything… Wouldn’t want to lie to the wonderful Ace Rimmer, would you, Kryten, old chum?”

A slight shiver of lust went right through Lister as Rimmer used his Ace-voice. Smegging git, that Rimmer, he knew bloody well what that voice did to people, what it did to Lister in particular. But this wasn’t the time or the place to be thinking about that.

“Apparently, I was here a few months ago and we…”

“I know!” Lister interrupted. “I’ve dreamt about it! At least… I thought they were dreams…”

“Me too, Listy!” Rimmer said quietly, looking into the Scouser’s eyes. “Me too!”

And then, all of a sudden, it all became so clear to Lister. So painfully clear.

“That’s why you put me through the Rimmer Experience, wasn’t it?”

“Oh, sir, that was for your own good! I just…”

“Oh, yes, it was all for Listy, isn’t that what you told me, Kryten? You wanted to spare him the agony of being in love with me!”

“You what?”

“Actually, his exact words were: ‘spare him the humiliation of that kind of life’! It wasn’t because I’m a man, it wasn’t even that I’m a hologram… It was because it was me! Arnold Bonehead Rimmer strikes again! So, he made the decision to erase everything that happened between us that night… for your own good, Listy.”

“Oh, sirs, my guilt-chip is going into overdrive. I will self-terminate if that is what you ask of me! I… I see now that I was mistaken and I will do anything I can to make it up to you… Both of you! Please, I… I have seen the error of my ways and I am willing to repent. There really is no need to… prolong this torture, is there?”

Rimmer looked at his lover, an evil gleam in his eyes.

“David?” he asked innocently.

Lister gave him a dirty grin.

“Oh, I think there is definitely need for prolonging the torture! What about you, Arn?”

They both looked over at Kryten, smiling wickedly.

“I’m with you, Davey-boy!”

“I know! And I think that is the worst torture possible for this one!”


End file.
